They Say I Have no Certificate


They say I have no certificate
As if you need a Cambridge magic
To bamboozle your way to the hallowed space
As if you need an Oxford’s ticket
To bully your way to the national cake

I stayed in the varsity for so long
I bagged an Elderstudentsmanship with a record break
I rocked the campus like a mystery plague
I got a bachelor of arts in a science course

They say I have no certificate
But online and offline, I rock customised Lamborghinis plus oversight jeeps
Those who decorate their garages with doctoral crests
Are writing my biography in a stunning haste

I am the elephant with a single arm:
I uproot a palm tree with super awe
If the elephant had two arms
It would bring the Pluto to its arrogant knees

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They say I have no certificate
As if a certificate is akpu and afam soup
That makes the visitor to Ibom to tarry long
As if a certificate is amala and gbegiri

That makes Ibadan a dangerous place for a greedy mouth
When did a degree become the sumptuous tuwo masara
When did it acquire the power of fura da nono
Delicacy kings of the Northern belt?

They say I have no certificate
But Dejo is mad, Dejo is mad
Dejo eats pounded yam with the arm of a goat
Dejo is crazy, Dejo is mad

Dejo eats amala with the thigh of a ram
They say I have no certificate
Yet I never conducted any medical test
Before I diagnosed menopause on the Senate floor

The hen pecks at corn; it strikes at beans with dispatch ease
Yet it keeps lamenting the absence of teeth:
The goat with a dental heritage
Has it ever eaten stones with its certificated teeth?

If the farmer refuses to promise me choice yam
I can cause the rain to hide in the sky
If the king wants to prove unduly stubborn
I cause the budget to hang in the air

They say I have no certificate
And I appropriate billions with casual bliss;
Knowing that SANs are eager to plead my cause
I pad in billions with jumbo swag

When they ask for my payslip
I slip a pittance into the stupid air
When they ask me for the total pay
I spin a myth like a master tortoise

They say I have no certificate
They say I don’t have certificate
Shame I know I do not have
But I flaunt my shamelessness with national pride.